Six Months
As of today, it has been six months since I started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). On June 16, 2015, I had my first appointment with my new physician, one who only sees transgender patients. I was prescribed two testosterone blockers, Spironolactone and Finasteride; I had them filled on my way home, and I had pills in my mouth before I left the pharmacy parking lot. I can still remember the excitement I felt that first night, the almost tangible (though obviously placebo) buzz that washed over me. I knew I was embarking on a new journey, but I had no idea what was in store for me. About six weeks later I had a second appointment, and I left with a new prescription for Estradiol, which is estrogen in its medical form. Again, I had swallowed the pill before I even got home, and over the next two weeks I ramped up until I was taking four per day.
I almost can't believe it's been so long, but at the same time I can barely remember what I was like before I started. The effects on my life have been profound. Of course, I expected the physical effects, but while I had been informed of the mental effects I did not truly believe they would happen to me. Sure, my therapist had told me that most of his patients who started HRT experienced a dramatic increase in their overall happiness, but I'd been fighting depression since I was 13 years old. There was simply no way I could expect that kind of emotional transformation.
I couldn't have been more wrong. The darkness inside against which I struggled for my entire life was gone. For thirty years, I had not gone through a day without being plagued by suicidal thoughts and the certainty that the universe would be better off without me. I fought against them,of course, and dismissed them as unavoidable products of my diseased mind, but their effects on my psyche were obvious to anyone who knew me well. And then suddenly, they were gone. Within a week of beginning the course of T-blockers, I had noticed a significant reduction in their frequency and potency; well before I started on estrogen, they were completely absent. I literally have not had to reject that kind of involuntary thought in over five months now, and it's been as if a weight has lifted off my shoulders. The effects of the estrogen were just as amazing. Throughout my life, there were obviously happy moments, times when the darkness was held at bay by events and the people around me, but their source was always external. As my estrogen level increased, however, I could feel that happiness bloom like a flower inside me. Finally, after almost thirty years of trying every antidepressant and mood stabilizer on the market, I discovered that I was the victim of a different kind of chemical imbalance. My body now contained the right chemicals to trigger and support a kind of happiness I had never before believed in, and finally I could feel the light coming from within where there was before only darkness.
If that sounds somewhat overblown, as if I must be exaggerating in some way, I can only assure you that is because I do not possess the skill necessary to describe such a fundamental shift in a believable manner. Of course, there are physical effects as well. I've gained a cup size in my breasts, which thanks to gynecomastia were already substantial; the shape of my face is changing as well, and I may even be regaining some small portion of my lost hair. And while I haven't seen the signs yet, I'm anxiously awaiting a little more curve in my hips and butt. These things are little more than superficial, though; they pale beside the true transformation. My life, my outlook, my behavior and even my personality have been remade; I am truly a better, happier and far less burdened person than I have ever been before.
Six months ago, I had no idea what I was getting into. I only knew that, since I had already decided that my ultimate goal was to transition fully to living as a woman, I wanted to embrace that in every way I could. I was honestly not even capable of conceiving of the metamorphosis that I was about to begin. Now, I can honestly say the despite all the trials, barriers and pain that I have dealt with, the past six months have been the best of my life so far. I cannot wait to see where this road will take me next.
